i wish for it all
i wish for perfection
Buy me nothing and i will love you to the bits!:D
I want to tour around the world:]
I want to play with snowwwwww!

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some good blogs:
feather eitherly
Designer Basecodes
AdobePhotoshop

Archives:
February 2009 March 2009

:D!
Hello. I am a girl..
I wish to remain secret.
For reasons that are hard to explain.
I love changing my blog layout.
Trying to find the perfect one
That will show the lettersbr> To my loved ones.
who will never know of the letters existence.

At risk of sounding like a complete bitch who like men to compete for her, I am going to say that you two are now in DIRECT competiton.

F, I know you like me. I hope this can go further, it seems like after our little hookup I see you everywhere. Also, im sorry I couldn't go to the two places you invited me. Next time ill say yes.

B, I saw you looking at me when I was talking to J (a new guy on the scene?), and I hope you aren't jealous about F. Just get your act together and you can have me!

I like you both equally, you guys have to help me make up my mind. Show me who to choose! Overall, it appears I now have an abundance of guys in my life. I hope this lasts.

Labels: B, F, J(new)

Today I realised how much I love triggers. For me, triggers are things that remind me of things I have done that I didnt recall until just then (whether it be because its been awhile since it happened, or if alcohol was involved).

Today I had a trigger about Friday spent with F. God, he is so lovely. I mean R and R don't seem to think so, but he is nice to me, and that matters. Although, the bad thing about hooking up with someone, is that you never know if they would like to do it again. I mean, I don't absolutely LOVE him, nor am I even close to love, but if oppurtunity arose I would hook up with him again, even if I was sober.

Is it wrong to enjoy drinking alcohol? I don't know, but I like it. Sometimes I do things I regret i.e, shown in this post. But Friday night I do not regret, I had had my eye on him for awhile, and I had always harboured a teeny crush. I mean come on, we used to catch the same bus, I used to see him everyday!

Anyway, onto my next point. I was thinking today how I must be good at showing that I like someone. I know I only have three examples at the moment, but three is pretty good.

i) F from Friday. I started hitting on him from the moment he walked in the door of the party.
ii) N from D's party. Yeah, so I didnt hook up with him, but he did want to (and the only reason we didnt, is cos I left early) and I had kinda been flirting with him.
iii) HIM, from the above linked post. I know, I shouldnt be so dumb! I actually caused that one. But I didnt think he would realise I was hitting on him, nor did I think he would actually do anything about it!

So yeah, three reasons. I know they aren't very good reasons, but they are some of the only times I have made it obvious and flirted with a boy. God, that makes me sound so frigid and shy, but its not really. i) and iii) I had alcohol in my system, and with ii) (this is going to sound bitchy) but I was only doing it to see if a boy would respond to my flirting, I knew I was never going to see him again.

Yeah, this has been quite a long post, but I figured it was time to catch up. I havent posted in a while, but yeah.

Also, N, from a while ago? He was/is (not quite sure) going out with H. I felt jealous when I found that out, but deep down I knew we could never work, I mean we are into totally different stuff.

Labels: alcohol, F, H, HIM, N, triggers

I just stumbled upon the most touching blog I have ever read. Well, I guess for this blog, its not so much read, as saw. This blog is filled with seemingly normal images, but with a very touching message. Some, are a little dark and scary. Others, not so much.
But thats why I love it. It just seems so real, the images have real quotes added to them.
The link is here.
It really makes you think about things, in a way that you usually don't.

Just so you know, the blogs owner is doing an excerise in creativity, but the messages are still just as relevant, even if they aren't true. Just think about it, any caption could apply to those photos and it may be true.

Labels: A blog of note

I just learnt your song, Forever & Always was written about Joe Jonas. Eww. That kinda makes me not like it anymore, and I suppose that is superficial of me. But I don't care.
Just letting you know,
A severly dissapointed girl

Labels: Taylor Swift

I love working with you.
You make me smile.
I just thought you should know, I think you are cute.
From,
Me :)

Labels: W

This post is inspired by postsecret:
"PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people
mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard."

Some secrets, unaddressed:

1. You know how on Saturday, we shared a mattress? And you kept touching me? I didn't like it, nor did I find it sexually appealing. I wish I had had the strength and willpower to tell you that I barely like you as a person. Now whenever I look at you, I can't resist the urge to tell you the real reason for me submitting, "I WAS TIRED! I FIGURED IF I JUST LAY THERE YOU WOULD STOP! I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP!" Sorry, I should have stopped you.
   
2. I hate shopping alone, I am painfully aware of everyone around me and think that everyone thinks I am a loser.
3. I secretely think that every "popular" boy has a MEGA crush on me.

So yeah, that is all for now :)
xoxox
a girl who feels happier now.

Labels: secrets

Stop mucking around! This is the most important year of your life, how can you sit by and let it all slide?
You should be concerned about your marks, not B!
But on the flipside:
I can't stop thinking about him! And its so easy to take the funner route, rather than actually working. I know I should be studying, I know I should be working soo hard. But I find it so difficult to keep my attention focused. What do I do?

Im so confused. I know I should concentrate, but how? How do I start to study and work, when I haven't for the past five years?

Love from,
Myself.

P.s I sound just a tad crazy, don't I?

Labels: myself

I swear Fall for you, by secondhand serenade is following me! This afternoon I have heard it twice, in the space of 2 hours! But I suppose that is what happens when a local pop station gets a taste of the "good" new music.
Although I don't actually mind fall for you, there are some songs which do annoy me, which tend to end up being overplayed.

Although, a song I do love at the moment is forever & always, by Taylor Swift.

Labels: songs

I was so excited when you noticed my hair. It made me believe that he (his name is not worth mentioning right now), was wrong and that he lied to me.
Love from,
a girl who can't contain her excitement.

Labels: B

Prepare for a rant.
I cant believe on my first day of my first ever job, you expected me to know everything already. I especially loved how you made me work in the deli, and expected me to know how to work the scales. You even got angry when I didn't serve the first customer who came along (I naively thought you would serve the first customer, so I understood how to. But I was wrong).

But you got your just deserts after all. It was a proud day for me when I learnt that you were not actually properly trained, and that you had been practically stealing money from the company. It must have been very humbiling for you, when it turned out you didn't know it all. And the nerve you had! You gave me 4 hours a week, what a pathetic amount. But your precious J, he got over 20.

Another thing about my first day. You went away for over 20 minutes, leaving me with a simple task which I finished in 3. Then, when you came back and I was just staring around with no idea of what to do, you told me I shouldn't have just stood around! What was I supposed to do? I had no clue of what to do! And then when you went away again, and you came back and found me sweeping, you told me off! Saying that J could do it later!

Overall, I have to say, you were a pretty crap boss. Not only that, but you were a sleaze. I wasn't the only one who thought so.
From,
An ex-employee who couldn't care less if you get fired.

Labels: old boss

Thankyou, for this was a great year for me. Here are a few things I discovered:

• Sometimes, its all about who you know.
• Not all "fun" friends are as "fun" as they originally seem (eg, M)
• Drinking with friends is the worst sort of outing. As they tend to remind you of all the misdemeanors that occured while you were drunk.
• Some girls will never stop being a tease/slut/"RL Harpie", so I should just appreciate the fact that I am not one of those girls.
• I'm not as fat as I seem to picture myself.
• My hair is pretty cool.
• I need to study more.

As well as what I have learnt, I feel the need to say that this was probably one of the best years of my life. I made new friends and made some mistakes (that I regretted, but thats what happened, and you can't change the past).
So yeah,
Thanks 2008, for a wonderful year.

Labels: 2008

How could you? Somewhere in that little brain of your's you KNEW what you were doing. Blame it on alcohol, blame it on loneliness, but deep down you know its all your fault. And that you could have stopped it.

How do you know he wasnt lying when you asked him about B? Remember he was sober, he tried to kiss you. He could have been lying. He is B's friend, maybe he was trying to make a move on you, without B knowing?

Whatever, it doesnt matter. Because you cleverly covered for yourself, claiming to not remember what really happened.

From a stupid stupid brain,
yelling at a stupid wounded heart.

Labels: me

Today was great, I think we really connected. I feel so attracted to you at the moment, its hard to believe we had those bad few months. I know I am too afraid to talk to you about my feelings, but isnt that normal for a teenage girl? Also, I can feel my old fears coming back. I am so afraid that if you do like me, you wont do anything because I am not in your friend group.

But those are just insecurities and for some reason I think you wouldnt do that.

From,
Me.

P.S, Today, I couldnt wait for maths, when I would see you again :)

Labels: B

OKay, so I was a tad melodramatic in my last letter. But the essence of its true, you have to show me that we can make this work! Sometimes your talking to me, other times your not. This is going to sound strange, but were you jealous today? When I sat next to M (male) in Maths? You seemed it on the way to English, how you hinted you wanted me to sit next to you. Well, if you want me to sit next to you, sit next to me in Maths, at least we dont have set seats in maths, everyone just moves around when they feel like it.

I told K and A today, that I thought I liked you. I don't know how I feel to be honest.

Love,
Me.

Labels: B

Thanks for making me smile at work. You know I wanna be in your life (lol :P). Just ask for my number already!
Love,
JUST ASK!

Dear B,
You are not the only guy in my life now.
Lots of Love,
moving on.

Labels: B, N

Dear J,
Thanks for the add on myspace. I don't have the guts to actually comment your page. But little things like someone friend requesting me, makes me believe I am noticed.
Yours sincerely.

Dearest B,
Deep stares into each others eyes, or maybe not? When we talk I notice we stare at each others eyes. Well I guess gaze is more appropriate. But I just can't figure out what this means. Does it mean something more than just a look?
I guess now you can see why I ran before, I can't make up my mind about you.
Love,
A girl who wishes for answers.

To anyone,
I touched lightly before on how I can't trust myself and this blog. And its happening again. I honestly keep thinking about what would happen if someone figured out who I was. What I have written seems to personal to be revealed to just anyone. But I suppose there is people who put their photos on their blogs and treat it like a diary, but never manage to be caught by people they know.
Don't get me wrong, I want people to read this blog, I really do! But I don't want people to know its me.

Labels: anyone, B, J

Today when I came into Gloria Jeans, I appreciated how you made me feel welcome. Let me explain why I feel this was a nice move:
I have always relied on my sisters when I am out in a shopping centre, or even a coffee shop. So when I am alone and without them, it is hard for me to feel comfortable and not awkward, and today I did not feel awkward at all.
I also liked how, even though the girl took my name, you caught my eye and told me that my chai latte was ready, even though you could have just called my name.
Thankyou. I hope we can become friends.
FromMiss Voltage.

Labels: Barrista

You are the only one I have named so far. I feel it is safer to name you, rather than confuse your letter's with M's. You dont know enough about me, (nor I about you!) or even computers I am guessing, to realise its me.
But I would like to thankyou. Today you made me relax and actually put my life in perspective. I know that sounds odd, an hour of yoga/tai chai, but its true. Thankyou.

Yours Sincerely,
A Relaxed customer.

Labels: Marie

You met me once. Once only yet, in that brief half an hour you judged me. You don't even know me! How dare you then ask a coworker, (who I happen to go to school with!) if they hate me as well?
Anger does not even express what I feel now. I now hate you. I was willing to give you a chance, because I believe that in one meeting you can't fully know someone. But no, you obviously don't believe the same things as me.
You believe that you are smart, but trust me.
You are not.
Yours Sincerely
someone who doesn't care anymore.

Labels: M, M's BF

It amazes me the extent to which I am willing to go to to keep my thoughts secret, well the thoughts which I choose to put in the form of letters in this blog. These letters, (due to no personal information being revealed) will remain annonymous. The person reading this now, YOU could be B,M or K. You don't know!
This is why I amazed:
Diaries, in my mind have always been childish and something you shouldn't keep (because on the off chance they are found, you secrets are open to the world). But with the internet your best friend, sister or boyfriend may read your blog, your innermost thoughts and feelings and never realise its you.
Yet, strangely this new found privacy in an annonymous blog has not yet gained my trust. I still feel the need to create a new username and email, to preserve my annonymous profile.

Its weird.
Love,
A untrusting, confused girl.

Labels: anyone

Today, was the best day for us in a long time. You spoke to me and I started to realise that it was me who was wrong all along. We havent talked in ages (my fault I know), but now I know. I will try to be better, I promise.

I know what I did was stupid. I acted childish and ran away from my feelings. I wont do that again. I shouldnt have ignored you like I did, I was afraid of getting hurt and lied to myself about you. I kept telling myself that you only cared what others thought, when its not true. I know now that it was me who was worried what others would think, I know you are stronger and I should trust you not to be swayed by others.

I just hope we can regain the friendship we had and that I can actually follow through with my feelings this time. I know I dont love you now, but love can grow. I know we have less than a year until we all go our seperate ways, but lets make these months count.

Love from,

A girl who is absolutely sorry.

P.S. I dont know and I guess I will never know how you felt before, but one day I hope we reconcile and you will tell me all that happened.

Labels: B

You are my friend. Not best friend. I dont want to tell you, but I really dont like you as much as you think. You are selfish, annoying and quite rude at times. I could be just seeing the bad, but why does everyone else dislike you too?

What? Is that news to you? That you are not the centre of everyone elses world? Okay, perhaps I am being a bit harsh. But you think you are this special creature who everyone adores, when it is simply not true. Not everyone dislikes you and you admit that some dislike you, but do you honestly think K likes you? She told me herself she doesnt.

I didnt mean for this letter to come out as nasty as it did. I guess I should really tell you the truth more often. I guess it all built up. I do like you M, I really do, you are a fun friend to hang around, but how long will you be around?

Answer me honestly.

Think about it real hard.

If someone "better", beautiful and more popular came along would you really stand by as they offered you a chance at being cool?

M, I love hanging out with you, we have so much fun! But then you go and say something I regret.

Love,

A girl silently screaming.

Labels: M